


Buried deep

by Cr4zydreamer, XEOHE



Series: Under your mask [4]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Nightmares, Post-Episode: s02e21-22 Twilight of the Apprentice, Suicide Attempt, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-15 20:02:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21258854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cr4zydreamer/pseuds/Cr4zydreamer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/XEOHE/pseuds/XEOHE
Summary: Ezra's struggles go past the point of physical endurance and invade his mind.An AU where Kanan never made it out of Malachor.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeks pass by, and Ezra's nightmares remain.
> 
> TW: Implied/referenced repetitive character death, mentions of insomnia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whumptober 2019 prompts used:  
2\. Explosion  
4\. Human shield  
6\. Dragged away  
18\. Muffled scream  
19\. Asphyxiation  
28\. Beaten

_ “Kanan?” Ezra called, seeing a prone body on the floor of the Ghost. “Kanan…?” _

_ He crouched down, reached out… then recoiled when his master stood up like a puppet on strings, bones creaking, joints bent the wrong way, chest a bloodied pulp littered with blaster shots, nothing but a long, hoarse groan coming from his open mouth— _

Even after his talk with Hera, nightmares haunted Ezra’s sleep. He’d dream of his master, and it differed every time: Kanan pushing Ezra out of harm’s way and being dragged back into an impenetrable darkness; Kanan staying behind in an Imperial cruiser to save them time while Sabine’s explosions happened all around him; Kanan falling into a vast pit; getting trapped in a building on fire; drowning underneath a frozen lake. Besides the fact that it was his master appearing in all of his nightmares, one thing remained constant: Kanan would end up dead every single time, and Ezra would bolt up from his bunk, sweaty and shaking, mouth open in a silent scream. The dreams were vast and worrying in their creativity, more than half of them happening in places Ezra had never even seen before.

_ Kanan slept in his bunk, and Ezra watched from the very eyes and body of his master’s unknown attacker as they grabbed a nearby pillow and pushed it into Kanan’s face, pressed harder and harder even as Kanan bucked and jerked and why didn’t Kanan throw them off, why didn’t he use the Force, why wasn’t he fighting hard enough— _

_ His movements went limp, then stilled. The assailant lifted the pillow, left the room, not even deigning to look back. He went into Ezra and Zeb’s bunk and lifted one of the modified cadet trooper helmets, staring at his reflection on the dark visor. _

_ Ezra’s face stared back. _

After that particular nightmare, it took three days before Ezra could look in a mirror again.

He was so, so _ tired _ of seeing Kanan die repeatedly in his sleep. Whenever the nightmares got irrepressibly bad, he would actually end up screaming, sending Hera running to their shared cabin while Zeb hovered worriedly nearby and Sabine peered in from the open doorway, ready to offer her support. And Ezra loved them all for it, he really did, but he was equally tired of bothering everyone almost every other night.

Hera got so worried she had prescribed him with some sleeping pills, but he never took them. It only made it worse, staying in those horrid dreams longer. _ The darkness. _ What had once offered him comfort now kept him trapped in night terrors. He wondered if they would _ ever _stop.

But they never did.

_ Ezra panted, crouching in the dust, bruised, beaten, bones broken in several places. He trembled as he held up his arms, pleading. Zeb had barely broken a sweat. _

_ "You deserve much worse than this," he'd growled, low and soft. "Ya useless waste of space. Not enough that you drag the team down, but you had to involve Kanan in it too?" Zeb kicked him in the ribs this time, and Ezra yelped. Beside him, glaring hard, stood Sabine, who had started the barrage of physical blows, up until Zeb held her back—not to his rescue, as Ezra had initially hoped, but so that he could also get his turn hitting Ezra senseless. _

_ Zeb cracked his knuckles and rolled his shoulders back. "He's all yours, Hera," he called without breaking his gaze from Ezra, and walking away. _

_ Hera emerged quietly from behind, her face a stony mask. _

_ In that instant it was her that Ezra feared most of all, but he knew he would take the punishment without a single complaint. _

The more he slept, the worse these nightmares became. He had awakened from that dream gradually, limbs flailing, and somehow that made it one of the worst nightmares he’d had so far. Like there was no longer a line between dreams and reality. Furtively he tried to reassure himself that that wasn’t the case.

How very little he knew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra's nighmares take a turn for the worse and follow him into the waking world.
> 
> TW: Implied/referenced suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide (doesn't succeed).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whumptober 2019 prompts used:  
22\. Hallucination

Losing sleep for Ezra was normal, but seeing his master walking freely around the Ghost,  _ not so much.  _ He first noticed when he was in the galley grabbing a small snack. Kanan was right there as if he had never left.

The ration bar fell to the floor, completely forgotten. "K-Kanan…?"

He got no response. Just the cold stare being directed at him. Ezra’s stomach dropped; he suddenly felt nauseous. “Kanan—”

“You killed me.”

The world around Ezra suddenly froze, the nausea growing. “N-no I didn't, I swear…” 

Kanan suddenly bolted from the galley.

“K-kanan, w-wait!”

Ezra ran after him, wondering where Kanan was running to. He heard surprised voices and hands reaching for him as he ran out of the Ghost and through Phoenix base. He wanted to know where Kanan was going.  _ His master, alive? _

He ran frantically through the area, dodging rebels and crates and ships during the chase. Always, Kanan ran ahead, slipping out of his view one second and appearing from behind a corner the next. By the time his master had stopped, standing still as a statue at the foot of one of Atollon's massive plated tree corals, Ezra was nearly knocked out, winded and ragged from having moved so fast and suddenly with very little energy. Black spots danced in his vision, but he refused to look away from Kanan. He blinked, and in the space of that moment Kanan had turned around to face him, a hole in his chest and a smile on his face that looked several degrees of wrong.

Ezra still couldn't tear his eyes away.

He had just taken several steps closer when Kanan spoke, walking backwards, beckoning him forward.

"Kanan," Ezra pleaded, breaking into a sprint. He was  _ so close _ . "Kanan, wait—!"

He ran faster, and Kanan vanished in a wink. In a single second there was nothing beneath Ezra's next step but air as the world pitched forwards  _ from a very great height _ —

"What do you think you're doing?!" a voice snarled, and Ezra's halted with a sharp tug as someone grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt. He was bodily hauled backwards and then Zeb's face came into view, furious and breathless and  _ terrified _ .

Ezra felt like he couldn't breathe himself. He looked around and realized, without knowing it, that he'd climbed the tree coral in his wild pursuit of Kanan and had almost walked off one of its platforms to certain death. His knees gave way and he sank to the ground, Zeb's words of anger and worry floating over his head.

He nodded along and pretended to listen. He couldn't tell Zeb how he really felt. He was gutted not because he'd almost died… but because he hadn't been able to follow his master.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the incident, Ezra doesn’t seem to be getting any better.
> 
> TW: Attempted suicide, harmful delusions, implied/references about self harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whumptober 2019 prompts used:  
3\. Delirium  
13\. Adrenaline

It was only a matter of time before his incident spread to everyone at the base. Ezra had begged Zeb to keep it between themselves, and while the Lasat had been reluctant, he had agreed. What Ezra hadn’t counted on was people actually seeing what happened.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw people glancing his way. He heard them whispering; he knew it was about him. Before long, the news spread to the rest of the members of the Ghost, his  _ family.  _ Hera immediately went to find him, wanting to get to the bottom of what happened. Ezra told her of course... well, most of it anyway. He left out the part about seeing Kanan. He didn’t want her thinking he was crazy.

Hera made sure he stayed in the med bay, getting checked out by a medic. The term “medic” was probably loosely applied since the man in question didn’t look like he knew much else but to prescribe Ezra more sleeping meds to take at night. He’d said it would soothe him, but it hadn’t helped Ezra at all. It just made him stay in the darkness longer, made him see the same nightmares. 

He was  _ tired  _ of it.

Shortly after he was released from the med bay and back on the Ghost, he threw out the pills when no one was looking, which was a feat in and of itself; since being discharged, someone had  _ always  _ been there to keep an eye on him, probably at Hera’s insistence, and he barely had time alone. But stronger than his wish for solitude, more than  _ anything _ , Ezra wished he could see Kanan again, alive and in front of him, scolding him about any small thing.

His mind was always on Kanan, even right now when the medics were leading him to another room on the base. He didn’t know what room it was this time, only that he wouldn’t be able to leave indefinitely. He felt loopy, hollowed out, but most importantly exhausted. He just wanted to leave. 

_ “You can leave here, if you really wanted to.” _

Ezra tensed and froze, looking around him in the hallway. One of the medics seemed to notice and stopped. “Ezra, sweetie, are you okay?”

He didn’t hear her, his gaze only looking at the figure behind him. Kanan was standing there again, a wound in his stomach covered in red. He looked  _ dead. _

_ “You can leave whenever you want to leave, all you need to do is run.” _

Ezra’s breathing sped up, his hands starting to shake once more. Running away again? 

He shut his eyes.  _ No, no, it’s not running away this time. It’s running  _ toward  _ something. Kanan. _ And this time… this time Ezra would  _ make sure  _ he would catch up to him.

Ezra waited, wide awake until the dead hours of their sleep cycle, past midnight and a few more hours before dawn when the medic assistants would hopefully be more inattentive and less likely to notice how much time he’d be spending “in the refresher.” He asked someone to lead him to the one closest to the exit and away from the busier corridors. The Jedi mind trick came so easily to him now; he remembered how pleased he’d been the first time he’d used it successfully on an Imperial officer, bouncing on his toes with an excited grin on his face, Kanan mirroring his emotions with a proud smile of his own.

The medic assistant leaned against the wall. “Just… shutting my eyes for a few minutes...” he repeated sluggishly, and then immediately dozed off.

Ezra waited a heartbeat to make sure, then turned around. Kanan was there, and the proud smile he’d worn way back then had returned, only this time it didn’t reach his eyes. He made off without looking back. Ezra followed suit. They met no one as they exited the med bay, as they slipped into the darkness. Ezra barely noticed the route they had taken, but it was longer this time, and he was aware of his breathing, harsh and quick, not because of fear and exertion, no, but from the sharp jolt of excitement and adrenaline that came out of nowhere. They trekked up and around and down the terrain, Kanan walking silently before him until they reached another tree coral, one of the biggest Ezra had ever seen. They didn’t stop moving and started climbing.

The wind whipping his hair and clothes was a sure indicator that they were very high up now, much higher than the first time. At the right time the view from up here must be incredible, but Ezra had eyes only for his master, who was standing at the edge of one of the cliffs. 

_ “Come with me, Ezra.” _

Ezra walked towards him, looking at Kanan’s outstretched hand. He knew he should take it, yet his gut was telling him the opposite. “M-master... I missed you so much, you have no idea…”

_ “Then you know what you have to do, Padawan.” _

Ezra took the hand, took a few more steps, and his feet were no longer on the ground.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knowing he was going to be in the medbay for a while, Ezra finally opens up to an old friend, considering the circumstances. 
> 
> TW: Implied/references to attempted suicide, self harm, thoughts about harming himself, harmful delusions, aftermath of attempted suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whumptober 2019 prompts used:  
9\. Shackled  
10\. Unconscious  
11\. Stitches  
12\. “Don’t move”  
15\. Scars  
16\. Pinned down  
21\. Laced drink  
23\. Bleeding out  
24\. Secret injury

The first thing he realized upon waking up was that… he wasn't dead. Emotions warred inside him, but most of all there was bitterness and disappointment.

The second thing he knew was that he'd be in so much trouble with Hera. So,  _ so  _ much trouble. 

And the last thing Ezra knew was that he wasn’t going to be leaving this med bay any time soon. He woke up to a bunch of nurses and medics around him, sticking more tubes in his body. Lots of bandages were on his legs and arms, a large one placed on his stomach. He had apparently bled so much, he almost died. He had required a lot of stitches. Hera had been a sobbing mess when she came to visit him that day, her arms shaking as she sat next to him. His heart sank for her, realizing how scary this must’ve been for her to see. She would never understand why he did it, though… he had just wanted to make Kanan proud.

Taking in the surroundings, he noticed his wrists and ankles were cuffed to the railing on the sides of the med bed. He tugged at the restraints but of course they held fast. Just as he was working up a panic on how to remove them, he noticed a slight movement just outside his field of vision. 

“Ahsoka…?” he croaked out. His voice was weak and raspy. How long had he really been out?

She came forward, out of the shadows, and only then did it register that it was  _ Ahsoka _ , the one who witnessed his failure, his stupidity, his complete uselessness.

Ahsoka laid a hand on one of the cuffs and Ezra couldn’t suppress the flinch. He looked away, unable to face her. “Don't move. I’ll be removing the restraints, all right?” she said cautiously.

He nodded then turned away as she started on them. Ezra felt like throwing up. Why wasn’t she scolding him, lecturing him, blaming him for everything that happened, asking him why  _ he couldn’t even accomplish killing himself— _

The last cuff fell away, and Ezra rubbed his wrists, trying to let the blood flow back. He whispered a quiet thanks but still wouldn’t look at her.

“How are you feeling?” Ahsoka asked.

Ezra sat up slowly and shrugged. Honestly? He truly didn’t know what to feel right now.

“I’m afraid you had to be restrained. Someone gave you the wrong dosage while you were in surgery, and you kept having seizures in your sleep. You were meant to take some medication as soon as you woke up. I told them I’d see to it myself once you did.” She handed him a paper cup of dark brown liquid and Ezra shank back.

“I d-don’t want to fall asleep again.”

Ahsoka shook her head. “This isn't sleeping medication. It's a tonic that will help ease your stomach." She faltered for a split second. "You lost a lot of blood after your fall, Ezra. You spent a week in the bacta tank, even more had we not run out of bacta. This will help ease some of the nausea I'm sure you're experiencing right now.”

Ezra still refused. There was no telling exactly what was in that cup. He wasn’t going to fall asleep again, He didn’t need to be back in the darkness that mocked him,  _ hurt  _ him. He heard Ahsoka sigh in defeat and place the cup back down.

Silence grew between them, the air suddenly tense with the most obvious question being laid out right in front of him.  _ Who speaks first?  _ Ahsoka looked like she wanted to, yet she didn’t say anything. She just sat there in the chair, her gaze staring at something ahead of her, but he knew that wasn’t what she was truly seeing. He was sensing that she was trying to figure out what happened to him, what caused _ this  _ to happen.

Without even realizing what was happening, he pinched his wrist, feeling pain yet relief come from it. He didn’t want to feel these things, he didn’t want to talk to her. She should be ashamed, disgusted,  _ disappointed _ in him.

As if sensing what was happening, her eyes snapped to his own and she reached out, immediately grabbing his hand before he could do more harm to himself.

“Don’t do that to yourself, Ezra.”

He flinched and moved his gaze to his now trembling hands, not wanting to look at her after what he just did. Her heard her sigh just as she released the hand. 

Could he tell her what was happening? That he was seeing Kanan? His dead master.

_ She would think you’re crazy, insane— _

_ Would she, though? _

Only one way to find out.

Deciding to go against his thoughts, he took a deep breath and spoke, trying to stop his voice from shaking.

“... I keep seeing Kanan,” Ezra said. He could tell he had her full attention. “At first… I just pretended I could hear his voice whenever I was alone and needed advice. But then… then I’d keep hearing him  _ everywhere _ , even when I wasn’t expecting it. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder, he just appeared one time, right in front of me. And he’s hardly ever left since.”

He gripped the sheets but forced himself to continue, because he knew if he stopped, he could never pick it back up again. And he  _ needed someone to know _ , someone who could be on his side. “He never looks the same. And he never looks right. Sometimes he says things I know the real Kanan would never say. But…” He swallowed hard. “I’ve missed him so much that I’d take anything I could get, real or not. It terrifies me. But I keep wishing he’d appear all the same." 

Ahsoka didn’t reply immediately. It was, indeed, heavy news to bear. "I know what it's like… to miss your master," Ahsoka said hesitantly, and that drew Ezra up short. She never talked about her past. "It's a good thing, to honor their memory and cherish the time we had with them. But…" She looked at Ezra. "We can't do that at the cost of our own well-being. I know Kanan wouldn't have wanted that for you. None of your crew either, nor I."

Ezra fidgeted uncomfortably, and Ahsoka encouraged him to speak. There was really no point in hiding them anymore. “The medics… I guess, they found the burn marks, haven’t they?”

“Burn marks that were relatively new, and had no connection to your… fall, yes,” Ahsoka said. “Lightsaber burns.”

Ezra’s eyes were haunted as he spoke. Each spoken word took effort. “I didn’t…” he stammered. “I didn’t do them because… because of  _ me _ . Kanan told me it was the right thing to do, to make up for what i did to him.”

Ahsoka said nothing, but from the corner of his eye, Ezra could see her curling her hand so tight the knuckles had turned pale. He whimpered, feeling small. "I know… I've been foolish and—and frightened and…  _ delusional  _ but… could you… maybe help me get better?"

"Oh, Ezra…" Her arms wrapping around his slender body surprised him, only for a second, before he melted into the embrace. That talk with Hera seemed like a lifetime ago. " Asking for help, coming to me yourself, makes you already braver than most."

They were almost like Kanan's words, when they were both on  Fort Anaxes. _ _

“Ezra, I’m truly sorry I haven’t been here for you, especially after Malachor. I noticed how your behaviour changed yet I didn’t do anything to help you. For the longest time, I thought you just needed more space.” She drew away and Ezra already missed the warmth, but didn't complain. "It wouldn't have gone on as long as it had if we had paid more attention."

“I didn't blame you. I didn’t think you wanted to see me… I mean, not even  _ I  _ wanted to see me.” Ezra's voice broke. “I couldn't help but think you hated me _ — _ “

“I would never hate you Ezra, nor be disappointed in you. You have been strong for so long, and I'm glad you'll let us help you this time. You’re not alone.”

Hera's words, this time. 

Ezra nodded, anxious but determined. "You think I'll stop seeing this… Not-Kanan?"

"I'm sure, in time, you will. We'll have to employ a therapist, and mind exercises are sure to help. I know a few I can teach you. It won't be easy, but you've shown amazing progress in all your lessons thus far." Ahsoka moved to a nearby rack filled with containers of medicine. "The first step, though, is to take your medication. We can't do much for your mind if your body isn’t healing as well." She brought an empty cup and a sealed container back to Ezra. "This is the same medicine as the one earlier. You’ll find the name and its intended purpose on the label here. It won't make you sleepy, I promise. You're free to measure the dosage yourself if you’d like." Her tone held no mockery.

A few moments passed. Ezra turned the offer down, reached for the previous cup of medicine and downed it without a word. He didn’t need to look at Ahsoka to know that she gave him a small smile of approval.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It isn't easy or immediate, but as the weeks pass by, Ezra finally starts recovering.

After his talk with Ahsoka, his recovery went more smoothly. The medics finally released him from the med bay. He knew they were probably telling Hera about the hallucinations he saw, but that was okay. He was glad she knew, so now she can help him whenever he needed someone to be there for him.

His first instinct since arriving back on the Ghost was to immediately go to his room, but Hera wasn’t having any of that. She made sure he wasn’t alone, taking him on walks outside of the Ghost, despite how uncomfortable he was; he was grateful for the push because he knew he wouldn't be able to force himself to do it. Sabine and Zeb also helped, though the walks were more amusing than serious. Chopper took him on a walk once. Hera never allowed him since.

Ahsoka started to engage herself within his daily life, making him meditate every day to help soothe his mind. She told him it would help calm down the hallucinations, which, was true. He saw Kanan less and less, but on the days he  _ did  _ see Kanan, he would immediately run to find Ahsoka or Hera. He didn’t trust himself to  _ not _ follow Kanan.

One of the hardest things for him to do was sleep. Being alone in the darkness made him shiver, constantly looking around for that Not-Kanan who haunted him. After asking Hera, Zeb put a night light in their room so it wouldn’t be so dark anymore. It gave him comfort when needed.

Once he felt more comfortable, he started interacting with everyone again, participating in missions that helped the rebellion greatly. Hera always stood there, looking pleased as she commended him, placing her hand on his shoulder and telling him softly that  _ Kanan  _ would be just as proud. That always brought Ezra to tears. Sometimes it was exactly what he needed.

Not to say it always went uphill; there were times when he had relapses that lasted a few days on repeat. There were days on end where he couldn’t stand to be with anyone just yet. These times Not-Kanan would appear more frequently, not as much as before, but still there, traces of him at the corner of his eye, on a reflection, as someone else before he doubled back and looked again. Ezra would get frustrated and scared, thinking it was futile and he’d never get better. 

Until one day he fell asleep in his bunk… and woke up the next morning, without having a single bad dream in between or waking up several times during the night. For the first time in weeks he’d felt truly rested and tranquil…

_ “May the force be with you, always.” _

And hopeful.


End file.
